I Suck At This...

Wow...I am almost as bad at keeping a blog as I am at writing in my journal. Both are things I wish I would do more often, for my own benefit. I can't say that I've been so busy that I haven't had time to do these things, because truth be told, I actually have a lot of time on my hands. I think I get stuck in a mode of thinking that I don't have anything interesting to say. How sad is that??? Of course I know that I have a lot of interesting things to say, but I tell myself that I don't so that I can be lazy about keeping up in both the blog and the journal. Here are some of the things that have been swimming around in my mind as of late:

• I want to know how I am beautiful to God. I understand that according to the world I have a nice smile and pretty blue eyes...that just doesn't do it for me. I recently read the book Captivating by Staci and John Eldridge. Reading this book has put me on a quest to be kissed by God. Actually, He probably kisses me everyday, and I don't even know it, so my prayer is that He would open my spiritual eyes to His kisses. I see His beauty around me everyday here in Guatemala: in the volcanoes and other spectacular views; in the pleasant parts of this culture, like besitos and expressing gratitude; in children; in friendships and family relationships that He has blessed me with; in climate; in other peoples' ministries; in so many other things that I can't think of right now. What I am looking for is how do I fit into His beauty? A lot of times being a missionary is a thankless job (even though I just said that Guatemalans are very good at showing gratitude), I guess I just want to hear Thank You from God.

• Another thought that was stirred up by Captivating is how thankful I am that my upbringing did not screw me up, psychologically, like has apparently happened with many women all over the world. I am truly grateful for the life I have had, and I have God and my parents to thank for it! Of course I have had my share of hardships, which many people reading this (if anyone still does read this ;) ) know all about, but I give thanks to God for helping me to forgive when I've needed to forgive, to learn and grow up when I've needed to learn and grow up, and to say thanks when I've needed to do that. I can really say that with my whole heart now that I know how hard life is for so many people. Did you know that prostitution is legal in Guatemala? Did you know that it is so accepted in this culture that fathers, or male family friends, take their sons to see a prostitute when they are as young as 11 years old? Most of the kids I work with down here either don't have fathers due to infidelity or death by alcoholism, or their fathers are phyisically (sometimes sexually) abusive drunks. It is sickening and sad. My prayer is that despite these hardships (which are so much worse than anything I have ever experienced), these kids would come out of their childhood as forgiven and forgiving Christians who walk daily with the Lord. I hope that I can help in that transformation.

• On a totally different topic, I found out that it will cost me $1,000 to fix my "new" truck. It will supposedly run like new when it's finished, but for $1,000? I understand that if it were in the States I would be paying triple that or more, but $1,000 is still a lot of money for me. I am putting all of my trust in God that He will provide for this need, because He provided the truck in the first place. I believe that He wanted me to have a vehicle, so I guess it is up to Him to maintain it. I am trusting $1,000 to 'magically' (do you like my use of theological terminology?) appear in my bank account. Amen!

• On the truck topic, I should mention the fun I had the day I bought the thing. I bought it from a man in Guatemala City, so my first driving experience in Guatemala had to be in Guatemala City! You cannot grasp how HUGE this is if you haven't been in Guatemala City. It is 4 million people strong, with 20-some zones. I don't know how to explain a zone except that in each zone the road system is totally different. There is no interstate highway system, instead they have these double wide avenues with medians, but everyone is driving the same direction! It is extremely confusing. On top of that, it was also my first time driving stick. This was truly a sink or swim situation for me, and I proudly report that I swam. At the very least, I treaded water. I made it to Antigua safely, but not without frustrating half the Guatemalan drivers and providing entertainment for the other half! It was truly an adventure...one that I don't care to relive. Very humiliating for me...

Well, I have run out of things to say...ha ha ha...if you know me well, you know that cannot be true! I usually don't have any problem coming up with things to talk about. But as far as this blog is concerned, I think I am done until the next time I get mad at myself for not writing often enough. :) I hope that my words have made you reflect, think, smile, and laugh. Until next time...Peace out!!

Calling

I had an opportunity to speak at a youth group meeting on calling while I was home in February. Ever since that day, I have been thinking about what I wish I would have said. Mostly I just shared my personal testimony about how I recognized a calling into ministry in my own life. Now I have more generalized thoughts about calling that I missed that night. So, to make it right, I will share those thoughts now.

First of all, I'd like to point out that each of us has a calling. The word "calling", or "called", is widely used when talking about the mission field, but people can be called to work as a nurse, a lawyer, businessperson, stay at home parent, musician, construction worker, office manager, plumber, professional mover, or anything else. The bottom line is that it doesn't matter what who you work for. The most important thing is Who do you live for?
Paul writes in Ephesians 2 that God "made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgresions...For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith--and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--not by works, so that no one can boast. For we are God's workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do" (v. 5, 8-10). Being called is not just for extra special or elite Christians. Everyone has a unique calling to serve God, which was planned by Him from the very beginning.
Another thought I had about calling is that it is very important to read God's word to discern your unique call. I started to feel called to ministry when I was at STORM camp one summer. I spent a long time denying this call, but when I was in college I started reading the Bible more. It was during this time that the feeling of being called became stronger. When I read about Abraham, my heart burned with passion. I somehow related to God's words to Abram when He said, "Leave your country, your people and your father's household and go to the land I will show you" (Genesis 12:1). I began to read about Abraham, and the New Testament references to him, and I had such a strong desire to be called a 'friend of God' because of my obedience. Whatever your occupation, you can find a Bible character to relate to, who God will use to reveal your call to you. Mine started as Abraham, and I am now very inspired by Peter and Paul. Because of the work I am doing in Guatemala, I relate to their ministry of planting churches.

My third thought is that being called is not a promise for an easy life. Bruce Wilkinson's book, The Dream Giver, has a wonderful story about a man who follows his calling, or his Big Dream. The book tells of the triumphs as well as the hardships along the way for this man. Reading this book has helped me to understand this journey that I am on, chasing after my Big Dream. I recommend reading The Dream Giver to anyone who has been called by God (that's everyone, remember my first point?).

Last, I would like to share the Ten P's, from Brother Andrew's book, The Calling. Brother Andrew is a missionary who was called to bring Bibles to persecuted Christians around the world. Here is his list: Prophetic, listen to God's prophetic Word for today; Planning, Plan to do today what Scripture says; Prayer, Become persistent in prayer; Preparation, Prepare to live as a Christian full time; Penetration, Penetrate every devil-inspired boundary or barrier; Presence, Maximize you opportunities by being present; Profile, Establish your profile as a Christian; Permanence, Become part of a permanent presence wherever you are; Proclamation, Use your platform to proclaim God's message; and Power, Allow God's power to flow through you into a needy world. Another phrase that goes along the lines of Brother Andrew's list of Ten P's is the National Geographic slogan, "dream it, plan it, live it."

May God bless you and give you wisdom and discernment as you discover your calling!

I'M GETTING MARRIED!!

I had initially intended on using this blog as a means to reflect on the things that God is teaching me as I serve Him in Guatemala...but I just can't keep this one in.
On February 13th, 2006, Felix asked me to be his wife. I said, "Uhh...Yeah!" He had tears in his eyes, I had (and still have) a huge smile on my face. My friend Clay told me, after I had given him the news, that my smile no longer fits on my face. That is how I feel. I am so happy. :) Life is good.
Of course, the proposal happened in the middle of my 'speaking tour,' as my roommate Nancy and I like to call our fund-raising trips home. In my 32 days in the States, I was in Rochester, Minneapolis, and Cleveland; I spoke in four churches in Minnesota: Lake City, Lakeland, Plymouth, and Rochester; and I squeezed in time to spend with my family and friends, and of course Felix.
Now I am in Guatemala again. I was surprised that it was not as hard to leave this time as it was when I moved down in September. I think because I was not sure of our relationship back then. I thought I may have been walking away from the best relationship I had ever had, but I knew I was called by God to Guatemala, and that gave me the strength to leave. Without that, I would have stayed, no doubt about it! So now, as I sit here reflecting on the last six months, I see that God has blessed my obedience and sacrifice. He has given me the thing I have been asking Him for since September...He gave me Felix!
February was a good month...Praise God!

My Heart is Full

Last Friday I got home from the first Sé Luz experience. From Tuesday to Friday, I had a group of teenage boys in Patzun, working on repairing a school for poor kids in the Colonia Noruega. We had a great time! Before the trip began, I was really anxious about everything. I felt inadequate within myself about doing all of this with the boys--leading them in a work project and devotionals. I actually felt more comfortable working than doing our devotion times. The boys that were with me have almost all been abused; they either have alcoholic fathers, or their fathers have died of alcoholism; some are Evangelical Christians, some Catholics, some nothing. At least one of them has spent time in jail and several have used drugs, or still struggle with that. There was an age range of twelve years old to nineteen, from an innocent young kid, to a young man with a wife and a new baby. Just knowing a little about their lives made me wonder how I was ever going to relate to them and win their trust. To my surprise, the boys were more than respectful...they were wonderful! By the way they behaved, one would never guess what kind of lives they have. They were polite, got along well with each other, took direction well, and worked hard.
Regarding the devotions and getting across the idea of service, I think the boys really learned a lot, and it affected some of them greatly. Some let me know that they started reading the Bible, and others asked really great questions about the messages. During our devotions I noticed that some listened very intently. Even though they didnt actively participate, I saw that they were taking it in. I am very pleased with the way it all went. I believe that in my inability to relate to their lives, God stepped in and just let His love flow through me to the boys. Even though my life experiences are very different from theirs, they still recognized authority in me, and I believe they knew without a doubt that I care about them.
The boys had a great time! For them, just getting out of Antigua is a big deal. Some let me know that it was their first time being in any other part of the country. Plus, they got to sleep in a hotel, watch cable tv, and eat at restaurants. It was a luxurious week for them! It is weird to think of it that way. I think they also enjoyed the work. Because they were serving a community that had no means to take care of its own needs, the boys received praise all the time from the school board, neighbors, and children who came to watch us work. From my experience working with kids who don't have stable families, they seek attention, usually through negative means. This time, though, they were getting attention for doing something positive. I know that sunk in for them and they felt good about it, because no one wanted to leave when the time came!
In all of this, with planning and execution of the plans, I lost sight of what a blessing this service would be to the community! It was overwhelming to me how grateful the people were who we served. The truth is that if we had not come, the roof would not have been fixed. The mayor didn't send anyone to help, neither did the national government. It is a poor community and although people are more than willing to help, they lack the resources to get anything done entirely on their own. Now the children can feel proud to go to a school that is clean, looks nice, and is safe from the sun, rain, and wind. They can take pride in their school, probably for the first time ever!
When I start to let all of this sink in, I just want to cry for joy and being so blessed! To think about the boys that I had with me...poor, abused, broken, lost...and the work that they did to bless other poor people. Wow! I can barely take it in! God is really good. He knows how he created each of us, and knows just how to give us the best gifts to make us happy and content with life. For me, it's knowing people intimately and being able to help out in whatever way I can. What a blessing this week was to me! I can't wait for the next one!

Enemies

Several weeks ago I shared with my prayer group that while reading the Psalms I felt convicted of not having any enemies. Often times in the Psalms, David is crying out to God for victory over his enemies. I started thinking of my own life...Do I have enemies? Does anyone make my life difficult? Does anyone oppress me? Is anyone out to get me? I had to answer no to each of these questions. I expected the mission field to be filled with trials and enemies, but I found myself unable to relate to David and his cries to God. I immediately concluded that this was a reflection on my effectiveness. I had heard the theory that the bigger threat someone is to Satan, the more opposition he will face in ministry. So what does that say about me? I have no enemies, no opposition...hmmm.
Well, that was where I was that morning at the prayer breakfast. I had convinced myself that my lack of enemies was evidence of my lack of effectiveness in the mission field. I asked my friends to pray about this struggle, that God would reveal to me the ways that I am effective, and the areas that need work. Over the next couple of weeks, things began to change. I moved from a learning period into one of action. Plans developed for Se Luz. Before I knew it, I was organizing projects to gain experience working with leaders, kids, and other missionaries in Guatemala. I was happy to finally be working on something, as I had started feeling restless before things picked up.
Then, I was robbed. Being robbed is very scary. In the robbery I lost my purse (with credit cards), camera, and computer (including disks). I was shaken at first, but that wore of quickly. I immediately felt the loss of my laptop. This was a huge setback for STORM Ministries in Guatemala! Before I was robbed, I spent almost every day working on my computer. I used it to correspond with the States, make flyers and invitations for service projects, write newsletters, keep track of my spending, write letters for support raising, the list goes on. It has been three weeks since I was robbed, and I still feel the effects of being without a personal computer! It is not only expensive to do all of my work in the internet cafe, but also difficult!
Then, my connection with our first service project fell through, forcing me to cancel the project.
Then, my missionary friend's car broke, forcing us to postpone a 4-day service project.
Despite all of these setbacks, I refuse to be defeated, for I know that God works all things together for the good of those who love him and are called according to his purposes (Romans 8:28). I also read this week a quote that I won't soon forget. It said that the test of our character is how much we can handle before giving up. I am determined to show the strength of my character by not giving up, no matter how many trials come my way!
What was that about not having enemies? I think I spoke too soon. I now feel that I do relate to David in his Psalms. Now when I read them, they become my own prayers. The apostle Paul wrote to the Ephesians that our fight is not against flesh and blood, but against Satan and all of his henchmen, essentially (Ephesians 6:12, paraphrased). I was looking for enemies in my life who were represented by flesh and blood. But through all of this I have learned the truth of Paul's words. Praise God for this lesson!

What Have I Done With the Baby Bird?

I've been thinking a lot about the sermon P. Dave preached at STORM about the little bird and how we hold the life of this fragile baby bird in our hand. What do we do with it? Do we crush it, taking it's life away, or do we nurture it and let it grow into a healthy big bird? The other P. David (Guatemala) preached last night about how we influence others for Christ through our lives. As he preached I just kept thinking about the little bird. What have I done with the baby bird lately? How have I given it life? How have I taken life away? If my life is a witness to others, what is the message that I'm putting out there? Is Christ really at the center of my life? I read through my journal up to this point, and I just get sick of the voice of my writing--always talking about the same stuff. Where's the substance? Where's the depth?

One thing that got me started today was an interview I had over the e-mail about what I'm doing here. It reminded me that there is a bigger goal/vision. Although I may feel useless now, while I wait for STORM Ministries to get started, I realized that I encounter baby birds everyday--even if they're not related to camp. What an epiphany! I no longer need to feel bored living daily life, because my life is a witness to many! Knowing this, I need to be more careful about how I spend my time and how I treat others. If I want to share God's love with people, I need to first fill my own heart with His love, then let that love shine through me. And all that stuff about feeling useless or unable to serve is just a lie from Satan. Of course he wants me to feel that way...it takes power away from my testimony for Christ! So I claim the victory of Jesus over my life and my witness to those birds in my sphere of influence.

I am also realizing that this "sphere" is bigger than I imagine. What about all the people in Minnesota who will read the article based on my interview responses? People I don't even know! I pray that God uses my words to speak to the hearts of whoever may come across that article. That they may be changed somehow by reading of a girl who obeyed the call of God. I pray that people will be challenged by what I'm doing. I also pray that I would shape up and be more Christ-centered, so that my living testimony would shine brighter for Him.

I read Through the Gates of Splendor, by Elizabeth Elliot, this last week. It's about five missionaries who evangelize a 'savage' indian tribe in Ecuador and end up dying for the cause. Their story challenged me because as you read their journal entries there was no doubt Who they were living for. So what about me? If some outsider took a magnifying glass to my life, would he know who is my Master? I pray that he would. I pray that I give life to the baby bird. I ask for the Lord's forgiveness for those times when I've taken life away. Give me another chance, Lord. Give me your grace!

Hurricane Stan and Guatemala

I am sure you've all heard about Hurricane Stan and the effects it had as it came through Guatemala and other Central American countries. The newspapers here are saying that Stan was worse than Hurricane Mitch in 1997. I don't know how much news coverage there's been in the States, but when I here 'worse than Mitch', I know it's bad. And I've seen how bad it is. I've met people whose houses are destroyed or lost. Sometimes I don't believe my eyes, like when I saw a gaping hole in the highway the other day. It looked like something you'd only see in an action movie car chase, where the cars end up jumping the gap and the bad guys don't make it. The sights I've seen in the last two weeks have really left an impression on me. I am in the middle of processing all that is happening around me and in me. I keep thinking of the story of Esther when she is told she was in her position "for such a time as this." I have been struggling with finding my place in the middle of all of this. I've been trying to serve others at every opportunity, but I feel like I should be doing so much more. Even as I type this blog, there are people suffering. What can I do to help them?
I had another busy week. On Wednesday I went with Andrew Loveall to Patzun in a 'microbus' full of food. Andrew has been working in the Patzun area for the last six years, so he knows his way around and who to work with on food distribution. We talked to a few pastors in Patzun and learned of great need in Salbopop, a tiny town with no electricity. We drove to the town and looked at road damage on the way. This is the part of the road where I saw the hole in the highway. I was impressed with Andrew's instructions to the town that the women's council should decide how to distribute the food. As a missionary, it is important to let go of the control of every detail. In this case, it empowered the people of Salbopop. On the way home we had to go back through Patzun, where Andrew showed me a hotel that he thought I could hold the first groups of Campamento Se Luz. The hotel only holds 24 maximum, but offers meals, and a place to have worship. Next door is an internet cafe with a copy machine, and next to that is a hardware store, all owned by the same family. I was very impressed with the hotel, and would very much like to use it until Campamento Se Luz outgrows the capacity!
On Friday, I went with my friend Erin and mission organization from the capital (Servant's Heart) to San Lorenzo. This is a town situated right on the riverbanks. At least five families lost their homes to the flood--that means their houses slid/sunk into the river. We held a Bible school for the children of the town. I have never seen kids so excited to color in my life! They spent 2-3 hours coloring pictures. Later, we let the women from the community come through our headquarters and take some donated clothes and baby stuff. This was a very long day, but it was really rewarding. I miss playing with kids since I stopped working at New Horizon.
On Sunday we went back to Patzun, this time to take a truckload of food to Xeatxan (Chatzan). We had to leave the microbus in Patzun and ride an hour up the mountain in the back of pickup trucks to Xeatxan. Again, I couldn't believe the damage from the rain! All the crops are ruined, there was a massive landslide that completely separated one part of the village from the other, and I met a family whose house was on the edge of a cliff, ready to fall into the valley. When I saw the devestation, all I wanted to do was cry. I have been so touched by witnessing all these things, and meeting the people who are living through it all. Somehow, they have peace despite the conditions all around them! This has been a very humbling couple of weeks!
It is really hard for me right now to put words onto what God has been teaching me through all of this. Like I said before, I am still processing the things I've seen and experienced since Stan came through Guatemala. I promise when I get a handle on the lesson I'm learning, I'll write again. Until then, cuidanse mucho!